More Predictions for the Near Future and Beyond

June 26 2008 / by Jason / In association with Future
Category: Culture   Year: General   Rating: 5 Hot

By Jason M. Vaughn

(NOTE: Please consult my prior “predictions” to get caught up on the Asimo thread.)

The Rolling Stones’ twelfth “farewell” tour, the Seriously; We’re Not Kidding This Time tour, will actually turn out to be their second to last tour.

A year after being shot by that Mexico-border patrolman, Asimo will be secretly rebuilt in a government bunker somewhere in the Southwestern United States. He will quickly escape, however, and those he leaves in his wake will come to known him by three names: Asimo the Vengeful; Dark Asimo; and Asimo, the Humanoid Who Won’t Shake Your Hand.

The Super Nanny, getting on in years, will be thrown through a concrete wall by one of those new synthetic toddlers.

“Frak” will be adopted into the mainstream English lexicon, and used with an almost reckless abandon until it’s finally labeled a bad word.

After the release of his twenty-third album, Trapped in Another Closet—No, Scratch That; It’s the Same Damn Closet, R. Kelly will receive some unfavorable attention when he goes into a sex-bot shop, orders the youngest Barely-Legal model they’ve got and says, “How much to make it five years younger?”

Suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, after months of raping and pillaging and not shaking hands with people, Dark Asimo will stop into an Arizona church and give his confession. The priest will faint. (cont.)

While watching the smoke to see if a decision has been made about their new Pope, onlookers will become confused over whether the smoke is black or white or a sort of grayish-greenish color, then the chimney will explode.

During a press conference, Asimo the Forgiven will state that he has always felt he was born a woman. He will then announce that he is officially changing his name to Candace.

Ray Kurzweil will discover that, when choking on a supplement, the best way to dislodge that supplement is to take more supplements.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s third baby will be named Pomegranate Head.

(image by Samira Khan)

Comment Thread (2 Responses)

  1. I’ll bet that Stones concert will be frakin’ great.

    Posted by: SkipDekades   July 01, 2008
    Vote for this comment - Recommend

  2. Uncharted 5 will be unbelievable if Cassie came in as Nate’s replacement! As the daughter of Elena and Nathan, she has all the resources she will ever need to become the next treasure hunter in the family. And having her as the protagonist will ensure that we get to see Nate, Elena, and everyone else in at least some capacity. Uncharted 5 Release Date

    Posted by: dexterlouis8   April 07, 2017
    Vote for this comment - Recommend