Predictions for the Near Future and Beyond

May 17 2008 / by Jason / In association with Future
Category: Social Issues   Year: General   Rating: 9 Hot

By Jason M. Vaughn

Not only will SMARTclothing alert you to cancer cells and potentially dangerous blood clots; it will also—-with complete confidence—-be able to tell you: “Yes, these jeans do make you look fat.”

Sooner than you think, at the Wendy’s drive-thru, you won’t be able to blame foreigners for speaking in garbled English. No, you will have only Consuelo to blame: Consuelo 3000, the legless order-taking animatron.

Polar bears will go extinct, and then there will be an extremely cute Seal Uprising from which Mankind may not recover.

Robot soldiers will one day fight our wars for us (completely), and perhaps, in moments when action is a bit slow on the battlefield, they’ll also take some time off to run diagnostics, or maybe even do “The Robot.”

After one romantic comedy too many, Ashton Kutcher will be banished to Greenland.

During one of Asimo’s tours of the Midwestern United States, a tragedy will ensue when, as a joke, someone places a knife in his “throwing” hand.

A young Hollywood starlet will come out with a book called The Red Licorice Diet. Two weeks later, after her mysterious death, the coroner’s report will say, simply: “She ate way too much licorice.” (cont.)

To the shock of the scientific community, Asimo will be charged with murder.

When the science is ready, Orville Redenbacher, who had secretly been cryopreserved in an Alcor container, will be reanimated. Those who knew him before his preservation will remark that he seems “lighter and fluffier” than ever.

In court, when the prosecutor states that Asimo knew exactly what he was doing when he threw that knife, Asimo will jog over to him and try to shake his hand. When the prosecutor refuses to shake it, Asimo will proceed to jog around in a perfect circle. Out of desperation, one of the jurors will stand up and shout, “I object!” No one will notice that Asimo has quietly slipped out of the courtroom.

Mattel will come out with a Life-Sized Barbie, but she (and her numerous battery-powered accessories) will not be for kids.

After weeks of high adventure and countless power-ups, Asimo will finally arrive at the Mexico border with the law close on his tail. He will be shot in the head for trying to shake a border patrolman’s hand, and all the humanoid robots of the world will mourn (sort of).

An annoying trend will surface, where once-respected scientists begin to hijack space elevators for nothing more than joyrides.

The border patrolman who shot Asimo will not be let off so easy by a jury of robots, and the scientific community will call the decision “another one for our side.”

After successfully animating a brown oxford, a fairly mad scientist will have catalyzed not a “short happy life” but a brief reign of terror.

A freak sofa-bouncing accident will render Tom Cruise paralyzed from the ankles down. In a tearful interview, he will renounce Scientology, and then Oprah will buy him—-and everyone in the audience—-a brand-new sofa.

Will Greenland accept Ashton Kutcher?

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Comment Thread (2 Responses)

  1. Lovin’ it.

    Favorite line – ‘she ate way too much red licorice’

    Biggest laugh – Asimo running around in a perfect circle.

    Posted by: Jeff   May 17, 2008
    Vote for this comment - Recommend

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