You Wish You Were Here

May 17 2008 / by Jason / In association with Future
Category: Technology   Year: Beyond   Rating: 15 Hot

By Jason M. Vaughn

Here in glorious 2059, things are a bit different than they were back in, say, 2008. How so? Well, for one thing, a Starbucks coffee might have run you three dollars, back then, but now you can be sitting at home and just think of a Starbucks coffee, and your nanounit will “build” it for you and then automatically charge thirty dollars to your account!

Back in the neo “Dark Ages” of old 2008, you could only dream of having sex with androids, or watch actors pretending to have sex with androids in movies; heck, even just five years ago, sex with androids was still mostly frowned upon, and more painful, really, than pleasurable. But now, in 2059, everybody’s having sex with androids (even other androids!), and at worst it only causes a mild pinching…and degrades the android.

In case you’re wondering, we don’t use the word cool anymore (“cool” is so 2055). We use awesome now in most situations where cool would’ve been applied, except when we’re talking about the temperature: then we say “chilly” or “cold” or, in certain eco-important situations, “under-warm.” Some outsiders have recently started using awesome to describe chilly weather (“It’s awesome out,” they’ll say, or “Man, I wish it was just a little less awesome today,” or “Yesterday, it was so awesome I had to wear a jacket!”), but these people are hardly ever taken seriously, and, in some cases, they’ve even been banned from having their own talk shows.

Yep, 2059 is pretty fascinating, if you ask me. Oprah is still alive, and editing her magazine from the confines of a gelatin cocoon she shares with Dr. Oz and gal-pal, Gayle King. Madonna, and The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, have just collaborated on a new album entitled Still Mostly Human (Madonna’s pseudo-butt looks great!). (cont.)

And China remains the leading exporter of lead-based toys, coal, and baby girls. We still don’t have flying cars, in 2059, but your car can have dreams that it’s flying; and when it wakes up in the morning and tells you about the awesome flying dream it had, you can be like, “Yeah, right; in your dreams,” and then you can have a good laugh together, and maybe go halvsies on an android.

Man, some nights I just sit back on this virtual-reality beach, with a dinner of broiled Grade-A cloned pork ribs, and thank my lucky stars that I live in a time when the globe is no longer warming, but under-warming; a time when you can legally marry the thing that mops your floors; a time when a third nipple is as highly sought after as the perfect gene portrait, though not so highly sought after as a fourth nipple, or those new Air Jordans; a time when the young Hollywood starlets don’t have to wear panties (ever) and pretty much only wear them when they know they’re not about to be photographed stepping out of a car; a time when prejudice is just a distant, shameful memory, and you can gaze up at the near-perfect representation of a blue sky and take comfort in the fact that the backseats of electro-buses are now designated only for maintenance droids and those stinking animal-human hybrids.

Pardon me; I think I want a Starbucks coffee now. And there it is!

Don’t you wish you were here?

So, do you wish you were here?

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Comment Thread (7 Responses)

  1. OMG. This piece made me laugh so hard!

    Posted by: Fishka   May 15, 2008
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  2. LOL – I think I want a Latte. Boom, here it is. Holy crap!

    Posted by: Alvis Brigis   May 15, 2008
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  3. Halvsies with the car set me up for a good chuckle.

    Posted by: Field of Memes   May 15, 2008
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  4. Great imagination Jason; I loved it.

    Posted by: futuretalk   May 16, 2008
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  5. I wonder what Oprah’s reading in her bubble/cocoon. Are those Kindle ver. 9 made of OLED?

    Is Dr.Phil still alive?

    Posted by: Accel Rose   May 19, 2008
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  6. Dr. Phil, I’m sorry to say, was recently killed when one of those new Living Toupees escaped from the store and latched onto his head. He was evidently violently allergic to that particular breed.

    Posted by: Jason   May 19, 2008
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  7. That’s too bad. Genetic incompatibility sux. Hopefully there are a bundle of Dr. Phil clones growing up in simulated environments so that one may one day replace him. And I guess the other 499 will be sent on risky space voyages, or into the black hole around which we revolve.

    Posted by: Accel Rose   May 19, 2008
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